In an Edinburgh Starbucks

6/15/2012
Edinburgh-Friday

The fact that we are in a Starbucks right now in Scotland's capitol makes me laugh. Of course we're here.....I can't stop smiling today when yesterday I couldn't stop crying. I am learning about Maggie, my own heart, how to travel, what my body can handle, what it can't, about Scottish history, about how to see my selfishness and pride surrounding me, but not cling to it. But mostly, I'm learning that when you pray for something, God will answer. When you ask and ask and ask others to ask and ask again to fall more in love with God and spark conversations with Maggie, He will answer, and it's worth it.

It's my expectations and desire to control what's happening to us and how to get from here to here and what to eat, where to shop, where to walk, what to buy, what to pack, how much to eat, what to wear, how much money is worth it, where to sleep, which bunk, what time is best, what picture is best, what angle is prettiest. How many factors can I try and gather in my my feeble arms while still yelling up to God, "yeah I trust you! Just give me a second, I've got this!"

Let's get one things straight.
I don't have anything except Christ, and I need to stop trying.

I've never heard the Lord's whisper quite as loud as I did today asking me, "don't you trust me? To get you from here to there, to feed you, to protect you, to provide for you, to stop you from fainting? Trust me, I won't leave you in Europe alone. I did not bring you there to only leave you at the airport."

The thing is, to hear Him, I had to get out every loud, prideful thought, every heavy, selfish tear, each controlling breath before I was willing to listen. Why do I always choose the most difficult way of doing things? Ha, I know that's not really an accurate statement. I mean yes, a lot of the time I feel like I always pick the hard way, but who doesn't? God is answering me, in my prayer to love Him more, He's showing me how much more room there would be for Him and His purposes if I loved my selfishness less.

I like to pray John 3:30: "He must become greater, I must become less." I just didn't realize my sinful nature would start fighting as it started to make room for Christ. My Esther study I'm doing is incredible, and the timing God had for me and the few lessons I had to catch up on today was ridiculously perfect. It was on anger and indulging in our mean spirits (something I've been smacked with on this trip) as well as psychological warfare (which hasn't stopped raging). I assume worst-case scenarios often and my mind has been plagued with all kinds of terrible ideas and notions that if I don't keep it all together, something will go horribly wrong. This is not of God. He is trustworthy, and if things do go wrong (and I'm not suggesting they won't all of a sudden), well, then it needs to be faith that calms my spirit and keeps me going. Satan CANNOT ruin this trip, do you hear me?! He can't win, he will ALWAYS lose because God has already won! My spirit, my soul, are HIS alone!

I'm not saying it's not going to get harder or no more trials, but it's time I actually listen to Paul when he says we must "set our minds on things above, not on things that are on this earth" (Colossians 3:2). To set my mind on complete, sometimes blind, trust and hope in my Lord that He will provide, and once my mind is set there, I PRAY it may stay! We need a lot of things, but the only thing necessary to survive here, to sustain, provide, and delight in is the Lord. It may very well get worse, more bumpy in the coming three weeks left in Europe, but as I talked to my mom last night on the phone, as both Magz and I were having breakdowns, she reminded me that this is "the trip of a lifetime." And it really is.

I don't know how to get to the Edinburgh bus station to drive us to the airport. I don't know how much money we have, if it's enough. I don't know how we're getting from the Dublin airport to our hostel late at night. I don;t know how many carry-ons we can have or if it's too heavy of a backpack to even take on the plane. I don't know what to eat for dinner or if I'll feel dizzy again. I don't know if it will stop raining here (probably not). I don't know if we have to pay to use the toilets in the airport. I don't know if I should keep drinking caffeinated drinks. I don't know what my body can handle. I don't know how we're getting to Lyon. I don't know how to love Maggie better. I don't know anything.
This is what I do know:

Love, Madeline