Well I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky

When I am alone 
When I’ve thrown off the weight of this crazy stone 
When I've lost all care for the things I own 
That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you 
You who are my home 

-Alexi Murdoch "Orange Sky"

It's Friday.

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

-John 14:18

And that's a promise.

A Madison Place Thanksgiving

This past week provided opportunities to devour too much turkey, drowsily watch football, and belly-laugh with friends over crispy casserole.
Grateful for these photos and the people that make them memorable.

In an Edinburgh Starbucks

6/15/2012
Edinburgh-Friday

The fact that we are in a Starbucks right now in Scotland's capitol makes me laugh. Of course we're here.....I can't stop smiling today when yesterday I couldn't stop crying. I am learning about Maggie, my own heart, how to travel, what my body can handle, what it can't, about Scottish history, about how to see my selfishness and pride surrounding me, but not cling to it. But mostly, I'm learning that when you pray for something, God will answer. When you ask and ask and ask others to ask and ask again to fall more in love with God and spark conversations with Maggie, He will answer, and it's worth it.

It's my expectations and desire to control what's happening to us and how to get from here to here and what to eat, where to shop, where to walk, what to buy, what to pack, how much to eat, what to wear, how much money is worth it, where to sleep, which bunk, what time is best, what picture is best, what angle is prettiest. How many factors can I try and gather in my my feeble arms while still yelling up to God, "yeah I trust you! Just give me a second, I've got this!"

Let's get one things straight.
I don't have anything except Christ, and I need to stop trying.

I've never heard the Lord's whisper quite as loud as I did today asking me, "don't you trust me? To get you from here to there, to feed you, to protect you, to provide for you, to stop you from fainting? Trust me, I won't leave you in Europe alone. I did not bring you there to only leave you at the airport."

The thing is, to hear Him, I had to get out every loud, prideful thought, every heavy, selfish tear, each controlling breath before I was willing to listen. Why do I always choose the most difficult way of doing things? Ha, I know that's not really an accurate statement. I mean yes, a lot of the time I feel like I always pick the hard way, but who doesn't? God is answering me, in my prayer to love Him more, He's showing me how much more room there would be for Him and His purposes if I loved my selfishness less.

I like to pray John 3:30: "He must become greater, I must become less." I just didn't realize my sinful nature would start fighting as it started to make room for Christ. My Esther study I'm doing is incredible, and the timing God had for me and the few lessons I had to catch up on today was ridiculously perfect. It was on anger and indulging in our mean spirits (something I've been smacked with on this trip) as well as psychological warfare (which hasn't stopped raging). I assume worst-case scenarios often and my mind has been plagued with all kinds of terrible ideas and notions that if I don't keep it all together, something will go horribly wrong. This is not of God. He is trustworthy, and if things do go wrong (and I'm not suggesting they won't all of a sudden), well, then it needs to be faith that calms my spirit and keeps me going. Satan CANNOT ruin this trip, do you hear me?! He can't win, he will ALWAYS lose because God has already won! My spirit, my soul, are HIS alone!

I'm not saying it's not going to get harder or no more trials, but it's time I actually listen to Paul when he says we must "set our minds on things above, not on things that are on this earth" (Colossians 3:2). To set my mind on complete, sometimes blind, trust and hope in my Lord that He will provide, and once my mind is set there, I PRAY it may stay! We need a lot of things, but the only thing necessary to survive here, to sustain, provide, and delight in is the Lord. It may very well get worse, more bumpy in the coming three weeks left in Europe, but as I talked to my mom last night on the phone, as both Magz and I were having breakdowns, she reminded me that this is "the trip of a lifetime." And it really is.

I don't know how to get to the Edinburgh bus station to drive us to the airport. I don't know how much money we have, if it's enough. I don't know how we're getting from the Dublin airport to our hostel late at night. I don;t know how many carry-ons we can have or if it's too heavy of a backpack to even take on the plane. I don't know what to eat for dinner or if I'll feel dizzy again. I don't know if it will stop raining here (probably not). I don't know if we have to pay to use the toilets in the airport. I don't know if I should keep drinking caffeinated drinks. I don't know what my body can handle. I don't know how we're getting to Lyon. I don't know how to love Maggie better. I don't know anything.
This is what I do know:

Love, Madeline

Old musical thoughts

I wrote this many many moons ago, probably several years, but I thought since I'm not comfortable putting up actual fiction writing with characters and names in all their amateur-ness, this angsty blurb will have to do for now.

Music is consuming. Its gaping melodies open their jaws into a mouthful of empty sorrows and stolen glances we wish we’d never had. It’s poetry. Occasionally, like a new pair of jeans, it can take some getting used to. Some songs are like a bad taste in your mouth. We spit them out, while it sits there dripping with remorse and discontentment. Other songs are comfort food; like your mom’s lumpy mashed potatoes or your grandma’s homemade bread. Their sweet taste resonates for hours after the final note is played. Then there are the crying songs. Everyone has them, there’s no use denying it. They are the songs we reach out in desperation for on a day where our lives make no sense to us; clinging to the hope that someone else, preferably with a guitar, can make sense of our mess. They are the songs laced with words we could never say. They are lost. In the midst of troubling goodbyes and unspoken “I love you’s” they are lost, but the chorus remains. Giving us hope. They are the songs we play over and over until we can somehow find closure. That in those three minutes we can find the peace we crave that the artist seems to find. These kinds of songs have no winners, no victories; only a melancholy aftertaste and bitter moments alone.

Orange Sky-Alexi Murdoch

Holocene-Bon Iver

Do You Realize?-The Flaming Lips

Timshel-Mumford & Sons

All I ever needed was a landline

Oh college, how you have shaped thee.

Let's just ponder today: an extra two hours of accidental sleep. A lonely calculator missed desperately by my anxiety once I arrived at school. A beautiful, under-appreciated fall day. A few good men that always have my back, and usually my humor. Two very surly tests and too many numbers without hope. A hot cup of dark roast in a too-merry cup for the second week of November. Words of wisdom from a man who also panics at the thought of lost luggage. A few stolen library moments. Dinner with the face of change and a voice that still produces my gut-laugh. A desk. Enjoying laughter with friends without hearing their voices. A forgotten thermos. A laugh back with those few good men and a fascination with a rejected chip. A favor to a redbox. A door I haven't seen in 14 hours. A note and coffee money from my Mia. Preparations for the morning like hardy soup and four scoops of coffee because three is never quite enough. Clean hair from a too-late shower. Quiet melodies of Greg Laswell and Ingrid Michaelson. The hope for the next few days to come.

But mostly, a God that waits for my return and delights in my very heart. He longs for the moments I look up, and I am so very grateful for this moment that I am 20 and I am free. For this moment that I am clean and I am healed. For this moment that I am exhausted, yet joyful. For this moment that I have the very hands of God on the fringes of my life that I'd deemed unsalvageable. Each piece is precious to Him. Grateful for that 1:34 in the morning truth.

A few Saturday afternoon muses

Sweet Disposition (live)-The Temper Trap
Tree By the River (live)-Iron & Wine
Poison & Wine (live)-The Civil Wars
The Cave (live-at The Current!)-Mumford & Sons
Home (NOT live)-Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes

A question posed by the Lord:

"I want to take you with Me, but you have to say yes."